Joke of the Day

[Matt_Edwards]

And another one.

Now it seems there was this English soldier that went to Ireland for a vacation because he knew he could get the best whiskey there. Well ... after having had "quite" a night of pubbing he found himself wandering along the side of an Irish road at a very early hour of the morning.

Coming up the road was an Irish farmer on his way to market. In his wagon was his prize pig and pulling the load was his best horse. When the Irishman saw the soldier he thought, "Poor soldier. Out this early in the morning walkin' alone. I should offer him a ride."
So, he pulled up next to the soldier and asked if he wanted a ride into town.

Now the English soldier wasn't too sure about accepting a ride from an Irishman, especially when he saw, sitting on the floorboards, the farmer's rifle. But the farmer insisted and the soldier was quite drunk.

When the soldier was in the wagon the farmer realized he was running late and coaxed his horse to go faster. Just at that moment a wild rabbit ran across the road and scared the horse. He broke into a mad gallop and no matter how hard the farmer tired to stop him, he would not slow down! Then, suddendly, the horse made a sharp turn and the wagon tipped over and everyone fell out. The soldier landed in a ditch, face down, and couldn't move. He knew he'd broken at least one arm and a leg. He was feeling dizzy and
thought he might even have sustained a concussion. He had trouble seeing from one eye and knew it was bleeding.

From behind him he could hear the farmer moaning over what had happened.
"Oh, my poor pig! You've got a nasty cut in your side. I'd best be puttin' you out of your misery."
And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle into the pig. Then, the farmer saw his horse.
"Oh, my poor, poor horse! You've broken a leg. I best be puttin' you out of your misery."
And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle, again, into his horse. Then he heard the farmer coming closer to him. The farmer turned the soldier over and said,
"oh, you poor soldier ... how are you?"
The soldier said, quickly, "I never felt better in my life!"

[kx5h]

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

[IdunBenhad]

Hi:
One advantage to being old is that I can put old jokes on here and the younger people haven't heard them!

That makes me quite a comedian!

[Brad Riley]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast
table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly,
I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked..

"I figure that you would eventually remarry,
and I don't want some a**h*** using my stuff..."

She looked at me and said:
"What makes you think I'd marry another a**h***?"

[Brad Riley]

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."

[Brad Riley]

Bob The Chicken

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....




"BOB, wake up! You just pooped in bed!"

[kx5h]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture!"

[kx5h]

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean "tee shirt" to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.

My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one "tee shirt" that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other... "Be Smart, Don't Start."

[kx5h]

In church this past Sunday, we celebrated Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.

"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"

My son blurted out, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"

[omzig]

Originally Posted by kx5h

My son blurted out, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"

LOL...My son would have definitely mentioned the toy first. What Happy Meal would be complete without a toy sealed in a plastic bag that is impossible to open (with fingers that are greasy from the fries)?


Our family was eating lunch at McDonald's about a year ago, and they forgot to put the toy in my son's Happy Meal. So I took him back up to the counter so that he could ask for one. On the way up there I reminded him to be polite. This is what he said: "Excuse me lady, you forgot my Hot Wheels car!...What kind of place are you running here anyway?" The entire crew was laughing so hard that they could hardly function.