Joke of the Day

[Matt_Edwards]

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

[budude]

hehe - so I guess "Holy Cr@p" would be in order for that last one?

[kx5h]

The value of a Sunday School education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Sunday School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The teacher said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.. A little later the teacher asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the teacher once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep. The teacher asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The teacher fainted.

[dirknerkle]

More of "The Economy is so bad" jokes...

…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
…African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
…I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
…CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
…Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
…my ATM gave me an IOU!
…I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
…if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
…Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
…McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
…Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America …
…parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
…my cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
…a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
…Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
…a picture is now only worth 200 words.
…they renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."
…when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

[kx5h]

…my cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

Way to go Dirk --> I though that was funny!

[rstehle]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asked: "What happened?"

She replied: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Her Doctor said: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She said to her Doctor: "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

The Doctor simply replied: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"