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Thread: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

  1. #1
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    Smile Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    Ok,

    We all know that Chris (KIWI) and MPH are the target of many of our jokes during chat, I thought it would be nice to record some of the better ones. Please post you 'clean' KIWI or AUSSIE jokes. in this thread.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    When a Kiwi moves to Australia, the average IQ of both countrys increases.
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  3. #3
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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    This is how I learned to speak KIWI recently... Beached As bro,eh!

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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    Beached as bro. HAHAHAHAHAHA Will have to find my Martin/Molloy CD with the "Tum and Phul Radio Show" skit on it.

    Here's a bit of Aussie for ya mate! http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=j5nGx26RTl8
    Champagne sketch comedy!
    Ugh, this year will be too busy. I'd like to buy a vowel and more time please.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    In Strailya...


    An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

    All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

    The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

    The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says," In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by TimW View Post
    This is how I learned to speak KIWI recently... Beached As bro,eh!
    ive seen it before its funny as

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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

    The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

    "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

    "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

    North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

    "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

    "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

    God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

    Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

    The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

    The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

    The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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  10. #10
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    Default Re: Best Aussie and Kiwi Jokes

    Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

    "Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

    The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

    The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

    "Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

    What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

    "Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

    "WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

    So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

    "Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

    And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,





    "WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"
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